Money - That’s what I want

Money - That’s what I want

Question: Is there anything wrong with asking family members to give me money for my birthday instead of sweaters I don’t care for, food I don’t want and gift cards to stores where I don’t shop? I don’t mean to sound unappreciative, but at my age (35), I’d really rather just have the money and buy things I like.Our answer: As that eminent ethicist Mick Jagger once observed, you can’t always get what you want.Unless, say, you plan to ask your doting grandmother who’s living on Social Security to write you a four-digit check, there’s nothing unethical about telling someone you prefer money over any other gift. But that still doesn’t make it a nice thing to do.You appear to believe the chief function of a gift is to provide you with what you want most. Often, however, gifts are intended mainly to express affection, to honor the relationship the gift giver has with you and to share the gift giver’s taste. While the folks who give you presents no doubt hope to please you, it’s unlikely they think of the occasion as a great opportunity to transfer money from their bank account to yours. What’s more, they probably realize that in order not to disappoint the recipient, checks need to be for a greater amount than they’d ordinarily spend on a gift or even a gift card.Our advice? You’re an adult, not a kid saving for college or a new computer. So unless someone very close specifically asks you what’s on your wish list, don’t announce that what you’re looking for is cold, hard cash. After all, you don’t want your relatives to think you have a cold, hard heart.Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of the upcoming book “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.Filed under UncategorizedPosted 10:24 am 35 Comments Add a commentThe whole “cash as a gift” thing is something that has to be approached with some sensitivity. My family wholely enjoys shopping for gifts for others - so I wouldn’t dare ask them for money only. However, my husband’s family doesn’t care much for the whole experience - and we get money from his dad and gift cards from his mom. I would never dream of asking for it, but I’m not going to snub my nose at anything that someone chooses to give me. That being said, I always give gifts (not money), sometimes gift cards, but always provide the gift receipt in case they do not like it. I am not offended if they return it.Posted By Jennifer, Plainfield, Illinois : December 20, 2007 9:07 pmTo a certain extent I agree with the original poster. People here are saying, “Hey it doesn’t matter what they give you, it’s the thought that counts.” How much does it say about a friend or family member of yours when the gift they give you is way off base and completely impersonal? Like the OP stated, I’d rather that person donate money to charity then spend it on an impersonal gift. Don’t get me wrong, I would rather get a gift than money, but too often the gifts I receive around that holidays are impersonal tokens of appreciation, which seems to defeat the whole purpose of the season.Posted By Tyler, Fairfield, CT : December 20, 2007 4:41 pmSo, Asha, one person regifts to you so you decide no more? How extreme is that? Furthermore, there are a lot of extreme opinions on this topic. Frankly, it sounds like most complainers here have forgotten the meaning of it all. Someone wrote that the people who love giving gifts must give crappy gifts…WHAT??? You are clueless. So if you don’t want anything TELL people. Be anti social and not participate. That’s fine. Honestly, this subject just shows you how miserably consumerist and selfish many people have become. If you’re not going to spend $20 don’t give??? What kind of attitude is that? Giving a gift to someone is about expressing affection and love, it’s not really what you get, IT REALLY IS ABOUT THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!!! If you don’t like the gift, graciously accept and then do something useful with it. The person who bought you the gift did not waste their money on you, even if you think they did because you won’t enjoy the gift. You don’t have to buy gifts for others; you can make little things or give cards. Again, it’s about being thoughtful. If you don’t care enough about your family or friends to make a little effort once or twice a year, you are not much of a friend or relative.My .02Posted By Jake, Columbus, OH : December 20, 2007 1:47 pmIt is a matter of preference. More often than not you’ll receive gifts that you don’t like or intend to keep, in this case I’d prefer the cash equivalent instead. A store gift card will do it from a department or electronic store.Posted By Javier, Reading, PA : December 20, 2007 10:02 amPersonally, I believe too that cash is tacky and a small gift or giftcard is good. I like picking gifts on deals and “cool” gifts or “cute” gifts.However, when a carefully selected regift for somebody’s birthday ended up back in my hands on Christmas, that was it!! No more gifts. I will just stop the tradition.Posted By Asha, Fremont, CA : December 19, 2007 7:27 pmWow! I guess this is a topic many struggle with this time of year! I do not typically enjoy giving or getting gifts anymore, for all the reasons mentioned in other posts, nor is a gift of money the answer because I never do with it as the giver intended (a splurge for myself?…I usually stick it in my wallet and use it for groceries or other daily needs). It is particularly difficult if I feel the gift is bought/given out of obligation or expectation, and is from someone with more limited resources than me. I really dont need anything including gifts, cash, or gift cards. Yes I am fortunate. So what do I do? I dont ask for anything, I dont make suggestions, and when a gift is given I accept it and enjoy it for the thought and the well-meaning of the giver. If I am not going to use it, I do try and donate or give it to someone who might (with no guilt) because I know the original giver gave it to me to make me feel good and that’s what using it properly does for me! The 35 year old that just wants the cash has missed the point, and if he doesn’t have the time or inclination to be gracious and greatful, he will eventually also be lonely!Posted By Sally Raleigh, NC : December 19, 2007 4:46 pmThe people on this discussion who say they love giving gifts are probably the ones who give really crappy gifts. I think there should be more stringent rules for who gives who gifts. If you’re an adult and you’re not going to spend over $20 on a person (depending on your income level) then you shouldn’t get them anything. But I must say I do like the donation to charity in someone’s name idea. I’d be delighted if that was all I got this year.Posted By Jeff, Durham, NC : December 19, 2007 9:24 amWaaaaaah! I have people who care about me and they give me things out of kindness! Poor me! Don’t they know I just want money?How dare they come into my house with their good intentions and force me to be friendly? How dare they make me take a two minute stop at Goodwill to unload things I can’t use. Gift givers are truely the selfish ones in our society. The generous ones are those like me, who can admit that I just want money money money for myself.Posted By PB, portland, or : December 18, 2007 6:41 pmI think the guy who wrote in needs to grow up. He’s 35 and he still expects cash hand-outs from his family and friends? Gift giving is about thinking of the people you love, and trying to do something thoughtful and personal for them. Yeah, I do think it’s overhyped, and way to consumerist these days (can’t believe you are all insulting Russel, who is apparently giving his son a LAPTOP for christmas! I could never have fathomed that kind of gift for Christmas! I was lucky to get maybe $50-$100 worth of gifts and we were not poor!) But you’re not a baby anymore. If Grandma gives you a sweater you can’t stand, you thank her sweetly, give her a hug, and throw it away later (or exchange if receipt is included). Because you are 35 years old. You should be responsible enough to buy your own things you really want. Holiday gift giving is really for the benefit of the kids, but when whiney brats who are 35 years old want to ask everyone for money, there’s a problem! Maybe this is normal in China, but it’s not normal here. Politeness and respect for your family and friends is what stops you from asking for money. Either ask for nothing, and expect nothing, or be real specific and hope they get it right. Personally I ask for nothing, and am happy with what I am given.Posted By Miles, San Diego CA : December 18, 2007 6:27 pmWhen my family and friends are thoughtful enough to ask me what I want, I tell them…gift cards. This is often met (most defiantly, by my mother) with cries of “Oh, no! You HAVE to HAVE SOMETHING to unwrap!” And they proceed to buy me things I neither want nor need.I expect to have the following conversation next week…”Yes, Mom, I know we asked for throw pillows, but lacy chartreuse and magenta colors don’t go well with the decor we already have, and the dog is obsessed with trying to eat the kitsch, rubbery chicken potholder you got us for our decidedly un-country kitchen.”More headaches ensue when going to the store to exchange said gifts.My question is…if, when asked, you provide a viable response, is it more inappropriate to not honor the giftees response?Posted By Sabrina, Webster, NY : December 18, 2007 4:13 pm“The entire affair is a monumental farce, a sham, a fake, a public lie, and frankly I am overly tired of it.” - Posted By Russel Jeffords, Dallas, TXI agree with Russel here.The “holidays” are so full of it. Everyone tries to act nice and pleasant at one time of the year. But the rest of the year, nobody seems to give a crap about anyone else except for themselves. Why give meaningless gifts just to be perceived as generous during the holidays? You have been a pretentious and thoughtless jerk for most of the year. Why quit?I do not give gifts because I do not want to receive cheap, ugly, meaningless, generic, and artificial tokens of goodwill. Instead of buying that 5 dollar gift for someone, put that cash in the Salvation Army box or give it to a charity.I would rather see a drunk buy a bottle of rum or a drug addict buy a shot of dope instead of having a stupid gift collect dust around my house. At least they get to have fun with the money.Posted By Yadgyu, Harkeyville, TX : December 18, 2007 3:43 pmRussell,While your card indicating that a donation was made in my name is a nice gesture, frankly I’d prefer cash. Please send large bills or a check to……Chill out dude…..don’t give, don’t get. Simple equation.Posted By Jason, New York : December 18, 2007 3:37 pm“The entire affair is a monumental farce, a sham, a fake, a public lie, and frankly I am overly tired of it.” - Posted By Russel JeffordsWhich reminds me of the quote, “The difference between ordeal and adventure is Attitude.” Yes, much of the gift-giving is mechanical, but it can also be a wonderful opportunity to do some personal expressions of appreciation.Posted By Steve R., Phila., PA : December 18, 2007 3:10 pmAs a parent, I learned a long time ago, that cash or gift cards to stores my kids frequent are far more appreciated than a gift that will be trashed.Posted By jack,phoenix,az : December 18, 2007 2:25 pmSaying that buying a gift card is more ethical than giving a cash gift is a silly assertion. Buying gift cards just puts money into a specific company’s coffers, 1/3 of which is never redeemed.In China and the millions of Chinese abroad, giving money is entirely acceptable and in fact is considered more proper than giving a gift card which is in effect the same thing, or worse, an actual gift. Money is an honor not a form of shame. Perhaps we in Anglo-Saxon North America have it wrong?Posted By Michael, Vancouver BC : December 18, 2007 2:24 pmRussell, didn’t George Castanza “give” the same gift in a Seinfeld episode? Sounds pretty made up to mePosted By Eric, Euclid, Ohio : December 18, 2007 2:22 pmAs usual, most who mentioned my initial posting have missed the point.I am simply tired of the overarching need when presented with a “gift,” of little merit to make nice - even if the person giving is doing so out of some ludicrous perceived obligation that I didn’t ask for and certainly attempted to actively discourage.Too often this gift-giving ritual is a mutal mental masturbation ceremony accompanied by grins that cover groans.My wife and son are both honest and genuine enough to tell me - gently! - what they are hoping for. The former - a set of earings to replace those stolen. The latter - a laptop such that he can head off to college well-equipped.Everyone else on my “list,” will receive a nice note indicating that a donation in their name has been made to a charity they themselves have identified, or one I have picked - and they are further invited to nominate next years’ choice (but not the amount).I fail to see why my comments elicited so much rage - pee in cheerios, indeed - perhaps the writers of those messages need a teensy bit of awareness, themselves?Posted By Russell Jeffords, Dallas TX : December 18, 2007 2:12 pmWow! It’s very sad how many people see gift giving as an annoyance, a means to “get stuff,” and really as some sort of commercial enterprise. Especially Mr. Jeffords position. In his case, I don’t think he should even give them to wife and child. Gift giving is about closeness and caring. It has nothing to do with reciprocating or how well you come out of it. I enjoy gift giving and a good deal of thought goes into each gift. I’m also one of those who appreciates whatever I get simply because someone took the time and effort to think of me. If people can’t appreciate gift giving for these type reasons, then they shouldn’t participate in the activity. A wise person once noted that it’s the trouble you go through for things that show how much you care because then it isn’t a bother.Posted By Ken Hicks. Staten Island, NY : December 18, 2007 2:01 pmRussell, you should just kill yourself then. (Obviously, a joke.)Posted By Eric, Euclid, Ohio : December 18, 2007 1:56 pmI agree with the author (for once in a long time). Giving gifts is intended to show care, show that you thought about them and wanted to give them something nice because you love them. Now, I am not against giving money. What I am against is people not appreciating a gift, no matter if they like it or not. Sure the giver generally tries to find a gift they think the receiver would like. However, if the receiver does not like a gift and shows anger or discontent, next time, the giver should not give ANY gift.Bottom line is: I will STOP giving gifts to someone who does not appreciate my gifts. I mean, I am giving you something for free and you are mad at me for it? Might as well never give you anything again.Plus, you do know that they don’t HAVE to give you ANYTHING for a birthday right? (please do not feel entitled when no entitlement is actually there).Posted By Inferno Butterfly, LA, CA : December 18, 2007 1:51 pmTacky, immature, and unimaginative.Posted By Richard, Chassell, MI : December 18, 2007 1:15 pmLeave it to someone to inject global warming comments about an article on gift giving. Come on, let’s get back to what gift giving is supposed to be: personal. Gift cards and money are not very personal and not much thought goes into them - a sad commentary on our current consumerist society. Not because of global warming, but because people have stopped being thoughtful of others. I agree with the article writer that gift recipients need to be more appreciative of the reason for receiving gifts.Posted By Jake, Columbus, OH : December 18, 2007 1:12 pmIf you can’t think of a gift to give someone it means you don’t know that person well enough and there are two easy solutions:1. Don’t give them anything.2. Give them something that allows you to spend time together and get to know each other so next year you will have a better idea what to get them.Posted By Steve, Washington, DC : December 18, 2007 1:09 pmWhat a bunch of Grinches! Gift giving is an opportunity to express your affection by finding something uniquely appropriate for the recipient. We all fail at times, but seriously, I’d be happy giving to a charity as well if that’s what is preferred. What amazes me is the negative emotion around this issue. I personally enjoy the challenge of finding something to fit the unique personalities of my friends and family.Posted By J.R. Colorado : December 18, 2007 1:02 pmUnfortunately, another sign of where our value system has gotten truely distorted. Gifts are given as a sign of affection (love/support). And, for those who may want to give and exemplify that affection and who however may not be in a financial position to do so in many instances may go through great pain (financially destitute parent or financially unstable loved one)struggling with how to express their affection at a time when society designates (holidays) or even when one may want to do so randomly.Many may not ask what’s on your wish list because as the old saying goes, “You’re not in my pocket,” nor do you truly know another’s financial circumstances. If it appears that someone took the TIME to pick you up a gift be appreciative. And, there is nothing wrong with re-gifting with class (the person need not necessarily know - charities/ less fortunate - good deeds are profound).Long gone are the days of “Little House on the Prairie” when families had little too nothing but were happy to spend time with one another and whatever makeshift gifts. (i.e. today many still don’t have much though they pretend in all their debt and uppityness, coupled with their shallowness as a inadequate and insecure person) I’m in the writer’s age bracket and am thankful everyday in this day in particular too have not had much material wealth growing up (literally - much of basics not even provided, but an abundance of values and self-respect fostered). In no way can I understand anyone having the attitude of the writer, particularly a 35 year old and the commenter who seems to mirror the writer’s stance (averaging maybe 20-30 gifts a year to various persons in your affection group is not easy).I’m not lashing out at anyone in particular, but much of our societal issues relegate around many people not considering others outside their own needs. “We Are Not In The World By Ourselves - There are millions of Species and the majority of us are dependent on one another in one way or another.” Thank you, Grandma Bess for these lovely polka-dot, orange, pink and yellow shoes - “Is there a story behind this?” - You’re laughing so hard inside, that if it wasn’t for your love for Grandma Bess and the respect and values she instilled in your family, you would be carried out for cardiac arrest due to unrivaled laughter - however, you settle for the fun story to share w/ other loved ones and your rocking chair when you reach Grandma Bess’s age and hopefully have the opportunity to possibly reverse the trend without forgetting the warm feelings and memory of Grandma Bess, etc.Posted By Che Che, Brooklyn, NY : December 18, 2007 12:56 pmI agree with Mr Jeffords. Gift giving of crap is way overdone.We need to go back to having less and appreciating more. This holiday season, what will you give or receive that you would want to pass onto your grandchildren? Chances are, not one thing.Christmas does not come from CHINA.Posted By Chad Bennett, Austin Pennsylvania : December 18, 2007 12:53 pmWow Russel, who peed in your Christmas Cheerio’s?Posted By Matt, Cleveland, OH : December 18, 2007 12:44 pmAngela, are you kidding?? You don’t give gifts based on the environment. If that were the case, everyone would get a tree or a bag of organic carrots for Christmas. Exciting…Russel, you sound like a sad, lonely man. Don’t rain on the rest of the world’s parade.I see nothing wrong with giving cash. I’m giving my sister cash for Christmas because she wants to go to Italy, something I cannot give her, but something that I can help her with. With the whole family giving her cash, she ought to be able to afford the trip.Posted By Charlie, Indianapolis, IN : December 18, 2007 12:30 pmAnd I should have known that even gift giving promotes global warming. The proof that humans do enough to impact global warming has not been demonstrated. Just because the UN wants to impose a carbon tax on the global population does not make it so. So much so that many scientists previously associated with the UN have joined together to write an opinion stating as much. I just find it ironic that even in a discussion about proper and accepted manners someone throws global warming into the discussion.Posted By Rob, Frederick Maryland : December 18, 2007 12:26 pmThe writers point is well taken and was the norm in an age where most recipients were more gracious and did not have what my mother would say it everything. Gifts used to meet basic needs and perhaps were something a person could not afford to buy for themselves or would be considered a luxury item and not purchased. In todays society where debt is king and the I want what I want now mentality, it is difficult to know what to get someone. On top of that folks from a later generation are often not comfortable with giving cash as that just was not done in their time. Be thankful folks think of you to give you anything and accept it with graciousness and thankfulness. If you really don’t want the gift find a needy person who will be very greatful to receive it.Posted By Rob, Frederick Maryland : December 18, 2007 12:17 pmWell, if you look at it from an environmental point of you (and we all have to do that pretty soon) cash in a small envelope is much better then individual gifts that have to be packaged, shipped and eventually recycled. By giving money you reduce waste and resources. Yes, that might not be very romantic but global warming is not fun either.Posted By Angela, Walpole, MA : December 18, 2007 12:13 pmIn my family, we let folks know we want a gift card to a specific store.That way we get exactly what we want. It’s easy, practical and appreciated.After a while, telling folks to take it back immediately after opening a gift must have gotten old. Now we all get exactly what we want without wasting the giver’s time, energy, and money.Posted By Rex, Fairfax, VA : December 18, 2007 12:06 pmYes. It’s very tacky, and you’re old enough to know better.Posted By Miss Manners, Philadelphia, PA : December 18, 2007 12:00 pmFrankly, the whole gift-giving experience at Christmas or any other time is nothing short of a massive annoyance - for giver, recipient, and everyone else EXCEPT Wally World or the Chinese manufacturer of the item in question.I detest the practice, and aside from my immediate family - wife & son - I simply don’t engage in it.While some find it rude, I simply (and gently!) mention that I prefer no gifts and ask these folks to give a little something to someone in need if that is their choice.I do NOT reciprocate if someone purchases me a gift anyway - especially as these typically are from biz supplicants (usually wine or liquor) or from thoughtless, feckless folks (who provide cologne, even though I am deathly allergic to damned near everything and this is well known).The entire affair is a monumental farce, a sham, a fake, a public lie, and frankly I am overly tired of it.Posted By Russel Jeffords, Dallas, TX : December 18, 2007 11:48 amI see nothing affectionate about people giving you what they want to give you. It makes zero sense for people to ask what’s on your wishlist only to ignore it and buy you something that you’re just going to pass on in a game of white elephant. If I am going to spend my hard earned money on someone, I’ll be sure it’s something they’ll find delight in. That’s affection: for my money and the person recieving the gift. Giving cash as a gift makes perfect sense to me. Handing someone over a gift you know is not going to be of any practical use to them is not “intended mainly to express affection (to the other person)”.Posted By James, Austin, TX : December 18, 2007 11:23 am